Daddy Diary – Pee and Physics

At the time of writing, my oldest son has gone four days without a nappy.

Cue the brass band and angelic chorus.

Now, I wish I had the solution handily written for you all to take home and effortlessly use so thousands of your pounds could be saved and you could reinvest the accumulated time into something more worthwhile – perhaps a recreation of the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel.

But the next few paragraphs don’t include a treasure map where the booty found is a less hectic day and more notes in your wallet.

I will however, lay it out step by step and include some real advice that, with hindsight, could have really made my days a lot better.

OK, so my eldest has been going entire mornings in just some pants. Sans nappy all morning, until the afternoon.

When he begins to piss like a racehorse.

We had been unable to contain it. We were powerless to stop the flow. He would just get so ensconced in his play that he would simply forget he needed to wee and five minutes later, he would be in a new set of clothes. Think of it like a Kylie Minogue concert, without the Locomotion.

And this went on for a few months.

Granted, we kind of took our foot off the throttle for a month or so as our attentions shifted toward his birthday and Christmas just ten days later. But January came around quickly and we began again to encourage our son to shed the Pampers and embrace the ‘big boy pants,’ as he calls them.

And after a week, we – and our carpet – were just as soaked as ever.

Frustrating, especially when you know he can go hours without an accident.

I think the key, was to keep at it though. We became like robots almost. Every five minutes – no exaggeration – we would ask him “Do you need the big boy toilet?”

To which he would reply, “I’m OK.”

And we would riposte with “Are you sure?”

And he would silence us with “I’m OK two.”

Pretty succinct.

Pretty pleased with himself.

But after a few days, he started to go longer.

And then, he went an entire day without the nappy.

And we were overjoyed. Knackered, but overjoyed.

Now, we stand at four days and counting with nary a drop of urine falling to the floor.

And so, I bring you a short list of tips that will help you to dispense with the diapers and also, to hopefully avoid a few stressful mishaps:

  1. They will see going to the toilet as a novelty. And so, they will ask to go every three minutes. This, again, is not an exaggeration. You will have to drop whatever it is you’re doing and take them to the loo. Are they lying when they’ve asked to go six times inside half an hour?
  2. No. So many times I’ve been convinced my son is lying, only to find he then proceeds to have a wee. The problem that gives you is that you really DO have to take them every time.
  3. This is perhaps the most pertinent point you could take with you. When sitting your offspring on the loo, you really must be aware of something. If you have a son, their….apparatus, is unpredictable. So much so that I have been peppered with pee at least three times a day. Ensure the spout is pointing down into the pan (sounds easy, but you’ll forget at least once a day). Even if you’ve done that…
  4. Prepare yourself for mind-bending physics. Even after you’ve ensured that the direction of flow is well away from your vicinity, you will still find yourself getting a soaking. It finds a way to defy physics and bend its way to your leg, or arm, or torso. The piss WILL FIND YOU. You can’t escape it. In the toilet, no one can hear you scream in frustration…
  5. Lastly, when washing their hands, they will always ask to ‘do the soap.’ I thought it might be fun. My jeans will never forget the mess…

That’s about it really. The above will definitely help you, but aside from the physics-melting wee, patience is the most helpful tip. Just keep going, it’ll take quicker with some than others, but they will all get it eventually.

Good luck, and get some extra washing liquid in.

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